Black Dog Days

The mystery of change

2006-07-05T00:37:00.000+10:00

Although its late for me (ie. after midnight) the most rapid reversal yet to occur with my depression has taken place. Two days ago I couldn't sleep and couldn't get out to collect the mail. Last night I had the first decent night's sleep (in about a month) and earlier today I managed a project, negotiated a settlement of terms to a financial situation (on behalf of a friend travelling overseas), undertook some home duties, nursed a sick 3yr old daughter, and caught up with a good friend in the evening! Easy!

How things change. Whilst I have had hypo-manic reactions in the past (ie. manic symptoms) this was not it. It was a rapid return to normality.

I know in general my health is on the mend - my energy and mood is evening out. But I still suffer.

I don't care why anymore. I don't care how anymore. I'm not angry and bitter about the world or God or the universe anymore. I don't regret or grieve for my life anymore. I don't even care to reconcile the daily/weekly/monthly changes in my health anymore. I am simply living my life to the fullest that my health will let me - warts and all. No regrets.

A Long Time

2006-07-01T03:58:00.000+10:00

Well it's been a long time since I updated this site and a lot of water has travelled under the bridge.

Bottom line is that although I have had periods of pretty good health the bastard of a condition known as depression has walked beside me daily for the last 12+ months.

Much of my inactivity on this site has been the result of not having the energy to update it due to my involvement in part time management work - and since January this year the birth of my second child (which is a small miracle because depression usually kills my libido).

I am back on here again because life with depression is giving me serious grief. I have had worse attacks over the last 12 months but this has been the most prolonged and most frustrating (and my minimal energy reserves can be used to carry out the ongoing documentation of my battle with depression).

The basic update is I have had a patchy, but promising, 12 months. The most pressing drama has been in the last 3-4 weeks. What began as insomnia has escalated to somnolency (i recently slept 30 hrs out of 36) only to return again to serious insomnia. On its own it was ok but it has dragged in the disinterest of life, lethargy, melencholy, loss of libido and questions on the point of living - many of the keys of serious depression. One thing I have learned after a solid four months of relkatively good health is that depression for me is a never ending battle even when I think the end is near.

The upside of the current circumstances is that I no longer pair the failure of my health with the failure of myself and self hate. I find it a little more like a rollercoaster ride that has the occasional up turn but a shit load of down hill action. i no longer feel responsible for or guilty about my behaviour when I'm depressed in this way (as long as I can look in the mirror and know that the guy staring back at me is doing everthing they can to overcome it).

Having seen the light of recovery over the last three - four months (where I was performing home duties superbly well and beginning a serious home project to manage) the last few weeks of serious depression has been a bitter pill to swallow. Having tasted again the fleeting feat of normality I almost want to feel better at any cost - including 'extra prescription medications' if you get my meaning. Thankfully I have good friends who help me maintain strength against these futile and destructive desires.

In the end the loss of control over my life is no longer a surprise - but it doesn't make it easier. It's just bump in the road to be ridden over but I still get the shit shaken out of me when it happens.

As I write now I have moderately over medicated myself to numb the pain (purely doctor's prescription). This has been supplemented (on my own initiative by a few choice drinks of hard liquor. please note: THIS IS NOT A RECOMMENDATION OF HOW TO COPE AND I WOULD ADVISE NOONE TO FOLLOW THIS EXAMPLE. I only write it here as an honest representation of how I am coping and to elighten reader of just one of the responses I have to my immediate frustrations - and i presume what other people would feel in the same circumstances.

I expect there's more to come shortly in this site. i haven't forgotten some of the key topics I still want to address from previousa posts. They are are as alive and dear to me as they were when I flagged them. It's a matter of time and energy which many of you would know is at a premium in the midst of depression.

Update-comment spammers suck

2005-10-06T01:58:00.000+10:00

I have been forced back on my blog by advertising being spammed to my comments section. Anyway, it was about time I posted something to it. Hopefully I will now be inspired to write a couple more of the episodes I had planned to.

I have actually had a life of two-three parts since I left my last post. One of utter depression and one of hypomania. No - I am not bipolar, but an over-correction of my medication caused me to peak a little too much! With a little extra tweak on the meds i have managed to get on quite well and have been quite productive and busy... so busy in fact that I have been unable to get back and post!

Anyway, thanks to those who sent messages of encouragement - I do receive them gratefully (but know that you make me feel really guilty for not keeping up the pace of the earlier posting - I'm kidding).

When this blog starts earning money for me (this is not an invivtation for spammers to tell me how to make a million by giving it to them first) I might then be able to get on a little more often and post all the anguish of my heart and provide the sage insights that I know people want to read. If that fails I might just write as I did before with some fresh updates into the life of a (formerly?) depressed man.

My final thought:
Even if depression dogs me for my entire life it will not master me because I will never surrender.

Tribute

2005-07-29T12:24:00.000+10:00

Sitting beyond a window

2005-07-25T15:43:00.000+10:00

This entry is based on a pair of experiences on my loungeroom chair this afternoon just half an hour apart.

Sitting beyond a window.
Blue sky roaming, sun beam warming,
Flower blooming, life is moving,
Not lost on him beyond the window
Yet lost as if it surely were.

Sitting beyond a window.
Sky is storming, wind is blowing,
Leaves are scattered, life is battered
Not lost on him beyond the window
Earth mockingly well aimed it's dart.

From a Psalm of David

2005-07-25T15:27:00.000+10:00

Deliver me, O God,
for the water has reached my neck.
I sink into the deep mire
where there is no solid ground;
I am in deep water,
and the current overpowers me.
I am exhausted from shouting for help;
my throat is sore;
my eyes grow tired of looking for my God.

Psalm 69:1-3 (NET Bible)

Reply - reflections on hope

2005-07-18T01:19:00.000+10:00

This post is a reply to comments left in "Trial By Terror". For context you should read that first. I wrote a little too much for a comment so I put it here.

It is true (and not crass) that having a child puts a higher cost on abandoning hope as well as giving hope itself a greater value (perhaps through it having a physical object to identify with). My daughter (and wife) through whatever means definitely take me to a place where I virtually 'have to hope'. While I am fighting with all my strength to hold on to my life and on to my hope, and doing quite well most of the time with it - even though my health has been quite appalling lately - I don't think I am beyond the capacity of losing hope just because I have a child, or a wife, or any other object or means of supporting that hope. Unfortunately there are common enough examples of persons with children and loved ones who abandon hope and succumb to the darkest fantasies of despair and I don't think that I am intrinsically more capable of holding on to hope than these.

I have actually thought quite a lot about hope since being depressed, and again more recently after reading trial by terror, and I do think hope is something that can be built, nurtured, and maintained. Whatever the 'process of hope' it is definitely not the path of least resistance so is, by default, at times inconvenient and at others damn near impossible!

For me there are three powerful foundations in my life that sustains and maintains my ability to hope.

My family (wife and child) - they are an unfailing inspiration to my determination to get better and be as well as possible in the midst of my depression (ironically they also cause me the greatest grief, especially at those times when my depression is the worst, because I know that my illness traumatises them and places a burden on their lives that noone should have to carry and that I can't bare to see them carry). They actually have to do nothing to underpin my hope. The fact that they tolerate me and even give me a kind word or look when I am at my worst is amazing beyond understanding. When occasionally (and this is rarely) I receive a cruel word or glance from them how can I hold it against them as they naturally get frustrated (or confused in my daughters case) and are burdened with something they are not compelled to endure. Ties like this certainly give me something to live for both in way of inspiration to me and also with a desire to repay the faith and love that they have extended to me.

My friends/supporters - I have a few of these that support me at all times but especially when I am at my most vulnerable, as I am coming out of a deep dark place. In the depths of depression I find I get frustrated, angry, agitated, numb, feelingless, my mind doesn't work, I can't concentrate, I barely eat or sleep (or over eat and sleep often), have dark thoughts, barely move 20m in a day (a couple of toilet stops and the occasional fridge stop) etc. A place where I am too far caught up in the illness and can exist only in the immediacy of my depression's depths. As I come out of the worst of this my mind begins to straighten out and my activity begins to increase slowly. I soon get enough breathing space from the illness and am able to reflect on my depression and the impact it has on my life and my loved ones. I do this though with a weakened mind that easily gets drawn into speculation about ultimate recovery, or about feeling cheated by another episode of depression, or with certitude about my lack of worth, or get hooked about some crazy scheme to restore some of the things I have lost in my life due to illness - money, usefulness, routine, normality, or just a little further on I become lucid enough to hate myself for what I am as measured by my symptoms (a do nothing slob that can't think or eat or shower or add value to another's life - especially to those who endure his frightful presence in these times). It is at this point that my friends are like gold. I have simply made an agreement with myself (with the support of a few close friends/supporters) that no matter what I am going through as soon as I am well enough to be at this point I will call them and let them know. They reassure me, deconstruct the false conclusions about my worth or about my burdens that only my distorted mind is capable of drawing. They reaffirm my value to themselves as friends and speak on behalf of my family. They reconstruct hope in my thinking where the disease of depression had previously wrought havoc. The fact they do this spares my wife from being faced with the pressures of my darkest mind when it requires energy and strength to fight against it on my behalf - this too makes me want to live for my friends. If my friends think it's worth fighting for my life and my family then I can certainly use their judgement. It gives me hope that people are willing to spend time and energy on me - even when I am at my worst - there has to be a message of hope in that. But it doesn't end their with my friends. They also tolerate my need to be 'normal' and do what they can to do 'normal' things with me when I improve a little more. It doesn't matter if I am not well enough to engage the rest of the world they will meet me for coffee, watch a dvd with me, talk about sport or politics or religion or any interest or just sit silently with my, virtually any place any time just to give me an experience of normality when ordinarily I am not well enough to be normal. To glimpse that light at the end of the tunnel brings hope.

Faith/God - This is a worldview/ideological advantage as well as a practical one. From the beginning my faith tells me that I am not a biological or cosmological accident but a being with value, meaning, and purpose - immediately this is a reason to hope and live regardless of my circumstances. It provides me with comfort through prayer (although unanswered prayers become a challenge from time to time), through reading of texts that relate to my situation with a message of hope, and through the tool of faith itself that provides an avenue to hope when rationality can't (basically a belief in the unseen even in the midst of doubt).

I hadn't intended to write this much in reply (I often won't reply to posts - not because I don't essentially want to but because I don't want correspondence to be a burden that turns me away from logging on to my site and reading it if I need to or feeling obliged to reply before I write a post I think it's important for me to write). But I had been thinking about hope and I had intended to jot a couple of additional things to my last comments. I have forgotten a little of what I was going to say (as my mind is getting a little tired after writing the above) but it was along the lines of the disaster it would be to have hope become an anathema by virtue of embracing it as something that keeps one going just sufficiently to suffer more in the future. It's enough that hope is shattered by setbacks in health without it becoming something to fear and despise of itself.

Trial By Terror

2005-07-13T06:41:00.000+10:00

" ... the steady battering of the mind by hope aroused and cast down could be more punishing and destructive than truncheon or rubber hose crashing against skull or jaw."

Paul Gallico, Trial By Terror

I recently read the book from which the aforementioned quote was sourced. It was the story of a vigorous young man (Jimmy) in his prime who was captured by secret police behind the "Iron Curtain" during the cold war. The story gave an account of how Jimmy's soul and will was broken down by psychological means (fairly easily in the end) and left him as a broken mind in a still hearty shell of flesh. His ultimate fate was to falsely testify against himself in a public court as a western spy - fully believing his guilt. Whilst I have read novels I have liked much better the parallells I saw between Gallico's story of Jimmy and my own experience with depression were quite interesting.

The quote itself was the punchline following a series of ploys from the interrogators to keep Jimmy on edge and uncertain about his case. Jimmy would be brought in for questioning from complete isolation randomly, arbitrarily. The key to his torture in this was his not knowing when the isolation would be broken. His agony was increased by anticipation of his case progressing - especially when confronted by familiar cues of hope eg. guards walking past etc - only to be left alone and waiting again. The combination of these and other psychological events did much to break his spirit and hope and left him vulnerable to a false truth constructed wholly by his interogators.

Immediately I read this section I recognised the parallels with my depression. The waiting in hope of a breakthrough in my health, the uncertainty of when the next period of recovery will take place, the familiar footsteps of normality echoing in my ear only to pass me by, cruelly, taunting me with the promise of normality but leaving it yet again unfulfilled, the battle to remain hopeful of a recovery in my depression - or at least for a break in my health where it is reliably manageable - and life as 'normal' resumed again.

The uncertainty, and the taunting nature of my illness, has at times worn down my will and terrorised my soul with impending doom, utter hopelessness and despair, and growing desperation. In these times I have been tempted by (and have at times succumbed to) falsely constructed realities. "My life has no value" "Liquor will numb my pain" "Gambling can provide a replacement income" "Amphetamines (speed) will pick me up out of my depression" "My death will please those for whom I am a burden". And others less dramatic. "There's no point in trying" "You'll always be like this" "You're not really sick - just lazy and good for nothing".

Many of these sound completely ridiculous when phrased as above especially when considered in times of a clearer mind. But these phrases, like the Sirens voices, embody an irresistable reality when being terrorised by the uncertainties of depression and its cycle.

In parallell with Gallico's assessment I think much of the power of my 'trial by terror' is the constant uncertainty of my health coupled with the breakdown of hope. There is not much I am able to do with the uncertainties of depression except develop undying patience - the quest continues. The constant uncertainty makes me vulnerable to unfair assessments of myself and other false realities but works most strongly against the hope of recovery (or hope of reliably managing my depression).

Fighting against the breakdown of hope is a battle I must renew often and thankfully is one I keep ahead of most of the time - thanks to supportive family and friends.

The flashlight

2005-07-02T13:33:00.000+10:00

Did you ever have a torch with dirty contacts or a dodgy set of wiring? You know the type that doesn't work properly. You'll switch it on and it will work. You move to shine the beam to a point of interest and the movement disturbs the continuity of electrical current from the battery to the globe and the beam flickers and dies. You shake the torch and hit it. The beam responds to the bursts of energy wrought upon it by the owner. At each crescendo of effort in the shaking and beating the torch the beam brightly flickers in the darkenss. It dazzles but only momentarily. A few gentler shakes follow and aha! You've found a position where the beam is emitted continuously from the torch through the dark - but dimly. You move the beam to different targets ever so slowly and gently to keep the circuit of the torch intact (what a ridiculous sight to an onlooker). You keep searching different targets with the beam that is left. You fool! You made a false move, or at least moved at normal pace, and the beam dies. You shake your torch and beat it and bang it violently but the more you abuse it the less often and less brightly it flickers. Is the torch good for anything? In this case it has to suffice as there is no provision to purchase another one. Can it be repaired? Much work can be done on it but so far there has been no fix for it. Perhaps one day it will spontaneously regenerate.

Borderline

2005-06-02T09:24:00.000+10:00

Another few weeks have past since I last posted and I have only just got my health back on something approximating an even keel (I think). The signs are there that I am finally getting through this current set back but I don't know for sure. I get sick of asking "how long will it last?" and "why?" and am simply resigned to pressing forward as best I can one day at a time. I live in hope that my health will turn more permanently for the better but suffice to say I am continuing to live as best I can and am definitely not holding my breath for major improvement!

Most of the last few weeks I have been living on the borderline between somewhat normal function and serious depression. I have increased my medication by another 20% which I think has kept me from sliding hopelessly into another major episode. But as I have mentioned it is still a day at a time.

I have spent a lot of my time over the last few weeks sleeping - up to 16 hours/day. I have been feeling totally exhausted. The minimum of effort expended has resulted in an unusually high level of tiredeness. The increase in medication may have contributed something to my somnolosence but the improvement in the quality of my waking moments has been a more than worthwhile payoff. It is just as likely that the tiredeness is a result of my illness as the medication but even if this is not the case it's been worth having this side effect as my waking hours have been of a much higher quality compared to the weeks prior to increasing my dose. On balance I am less unhappy than happy.

With good management of my waking time and energy I have been able to achieve quite a bit while on the borderline. I have managed to fulfill my role at home with my wife and daughter and keep my chores mostly up to date. I have done some management work too (but have only managed half my target hours of 8-10/week). I also spent last weekend acting in and producing a short film. Pretty good really, perhaps even a minor miracle, considering the level of health I am actually possessed of at the moment.

Overall it's been a tough few weeks and perhaps the thing I have come to appreciate most is the impact my outlook can have on my quality of life. I am no where near 100% health but have managed to achieve quite a lot this last month. If I had this level of setback in my health previously I probably would not have achieved the results I have this last few weeks. Lowering my expectations on what I can be (compared to normal eg. sleepwise, energy, feelings of wellbeing etc) and making the most of what I do have (rather than worrying about what I am missing) seems to have been an important part of piecing together my depression puzzle when on the borderline.

Finally an update - trouble and support

2005-05-10T23:25:00.000+10:00

I can't believe it's been three months since I updated this blog. I was flat out with work for the first six-eight weeks and then I was out of action more or less for the last four.

One thing I am still very keen to do is update this blog with more recounting of my experiences - if only for myself to read and be mindful of. Even now I am still deceived when I feel a little bit tired when actually I am suffering the effects of a depressive episode. I feel so stupid sometimes promising that I will be able to do something after a rest only to find no amount of rest cures what I am facing. The frustration is that it is still important for me to pick the right moments to push things. If I go too hard too soon I end up getting worse symptoms and becoming less reliable. But I have to say once I figured out that I was in a down cycle of my depression I was much better at managing the symptoms and recovery.

The thing that has frustrated me most over the last few months, especially with the last down turn in my depression, is the impact its having on my wife. It's heart breaking to see her struggling with the helplessness of having a depressed partner when she rightly gets frustrated and tired of facing these circumstances. It became quite a serious issue in our marraige recently and we've had to work hard at talking things through and keeping our feelings and love for each other strong.

I thank God that I have such an amazing wife who is sticking things out 'in sickness and in health'. It would be such a relief and so very easy to walk away.

This is probably an opportune time to remember the poem I wrote for my wife on our last wedding anniversary:

Anniversary of Hope
Dark are the years of our recent life
With love tested to its ultimate.
We have learned to survive on the smallest spark;
But its floodlights we seek,
Or the Sun,
Or galaxies of Light
To warm us and show us through.

It would probably do me good to remember the hope that I actually have in my relationship with my wife because I have been battling to see my personal worth within my family. The pressure of these times has had me wondering whether or not my family would be better off without me. And I soon after moved to questioning the point of living. It got particularly difficult a couple of weeks ago where I had to ring a couple of my supportive mates late into the night to set me straight. It's hard for me to admit to people that I am not coping but it's sometimes harder to realise that I am a needed member of the family - especially when so much of my engagement in the family is a drain. It's kind of weird to want at the same time to be with your family and give them your all yet at the same time want to spare them from the heartache you bring and remove yourself from their lives.

Another sleepless night

2005-02-15T04:34:00.000+11:00

Managing my depression is becoming a frustration again. I feel very well except for the fact I can't sleep at night. My motivation and drive is good, my concentration and agitation of mind is worse than 'normal' but manageable, but my sleep is really suffering. I am going great with work but I can't see how I can sustain the level of quality without much sleep.

Hmm ... what to do ... I think I'm going to keep my meds up at 2 1/2 tabs daily and push myself a little harder than I have in the past. Previously when I've pushed I have crashed but I might take a bit of a chance on it with the additional medication constant. I can usually see or feel the depression coming (although last time I didn't). It's worth a try anyway.

Doh!

2005-02-12T00:45:00.000+11:00

Well I finally figured out what was going on with my depression and why. It was all medication related.

Had been experimenting with doses of my SSRI after finding 2 tabs were not enough and 2.5 were too much (an extra .5 tab every 2nd day did the trick). After being well for a while I just forgot to take the extra half every other day and after 2-3 weeks of neglect it got me!

I have been much better today but am still getting my sleep back on track. Hopefully that will settle over the next two or three days.

Sometimes I do the stupidest things.

Not Again!

2005-02-10T23:33:00.000+11:00

It's interesting after all the experience I have had with depression in my life it could once again slip under my guard. I'm not even in the clear with my existing episode and I still couldn't detect a relapse in my health for a couple of weeks. I wasn't avoiding it or in denial I was just telling myself that I was a little bit run down, a little tired from a busy couple of weeks, when actually I was sliding ignorantly back into depression. The subtle differences of depression and run down normality (if any) remain unclear even when I'm vigilant.

Anyhow, I finally figured it out on Monday when all I wanted to do was sleep. Same for Tuesday and Wednesday (FYI - both night and day). I managed not to sleep throughout the day today so that's some kind of bonus - but now I can't sleep at night! Seems like its feast or famine with my sleep at the moment.

Sleep patterns have been a pretty reliable sign of how I am travelling with my depression. It usually starts with too much (up to 16+ hours a day) then suddenly switches to insomnia. And then the insomnia lingers night after night. It's probably been six months since I was able to sleep on time (before midnight) without medication but at least for most of the last few months my sleep was stable until now (the odd exception notwithstanding).

It's hard to know what to do differently. I am doing pretty much everything I can. I am frustrated daily about taking sleepers and wish I didn't have to but I have little choice if my lifestyle is to fit in with my family's and with the work I am doing.

Perhaps its time to try lithium treatment (I am currently on SSRI's) and see what that does for my depression? But my mood seems pretty stable compared to previous months so the efficacy of a change like that is uncertain and may even be unwarranted.

Whatever the outcome just know I am screaming on the inside - "aaarrrggh - not again!"

New Year Update

2005-01-20T01:37:00.000+11:00

Well it has been a while between posts this time round but I have just been so flat out with work and staying on top of home life that I haven't been able to get here to write. I can say the recovery is steady although it seems to have plateaued for the moment. I now need to be very careful about managing my time and involvement in things very tightly to ensure I can cope with the rigours of my now semi-rigorous life.

Helathwise I have had a mini crash for one day in the first week of the new year. This came on top of stepping up to a 20 hour a week work commitment, Christmas, a temporary move of residence to a holiday destination, and a weekend of guests over the new year period. Pretty active no question. But after that crash I bounced back quickly and had no further dramas until this last week where I had a nasty little cold/flu/virus which increased my vulnerability to the depression symptoms. So here I am after 1am doing an update! In all it has caused me to miss one day of work, miss 4-5 days of home duties, and throw my sleep out - its the depression symptoms for sure but its due to the cold making me a little more vulnerable.

The good thing has been I have been able to remain fairly upbeat despite this little setback in my health. I am getting a little frustrated with myself and not being able to fulfill my roles at home and in the work place but this is nowhere near the elevated levels I have faced in the past and I am very much at peace with myself at the same time.

I can now say more confidently that the optimism I had that the worst of my depression had passed is proving to be well founded. I am feeling this way depsite some of the setbacks along the way. From a perspective that had been quite bleak for most of 2004 I am feeling quite optimistic about 2005.

I am still bursting on the inside to have the time and energy to write about the things that I floated in my december posts but I am just unable to do that. I just can't be confident of managing my active roles in the work force and at home as well as keeping up the pace of writing that I had in the final months of 2004.

A parting thought:
Now that I have the necessary support around me (family, friends, medical, pastoral etc.) and have been able to stabilise the feeling of crisis in my life with their help I am finding more and more that I have to consciously manage my energy levels as this now seems to have the largest bearing on my well being.

A false alarm

2004-12-25T01:36:00.000+11:00

Well its early christmas morning and this is take two (a temporary power failure wiped a couple of paragraphs but I should be able to recapture the jist of it). I am currently unable to sleep and am full of pills - sleepers, anti-depressants, paracetamol, nurofen, codeine (all legitmate and recommended doses). Anyway, not bad for someone who hates taking medicine but I had just been feeling so awful. I have just now gone from having chills to breaking out in a sweat and the sweat is literally just dripping off me.

Anyway, I had been looking forward all week to a christmas eve with the inlaws as the food is always amazing (and they're not too bad either). Through the whole week of work my sight had one eye on this festive prize and I arrived feeling a little drained. I had worked hard in my new role yesterday (and the preceeding weeks) and finished all the urgent and important tasks that were needing completion so I could enjoy the Christmas break - including the boxing day holiday test match (a major local sporting event).

For someone in my circumstances feeling a bit flat was only normal but about one hour into the evening I started to break down. My head was weak, I couldn't concentrate, I started to feel physically ill, and every minor thing seemed like a massive chore (even helping myself to a wonderful glass of Australian red wine which I didn't end up finishing).

I soon realised what was happening because the symptoms were so familiar. But before I could isolate myself I had ended up in the centre of a conversation with three other people that I just couldn't politely escape from. With a great Christmas atmosphere the discussion just took on a life of its own and I was fading fast. I could literally feel the life draining out me and as I had some special knowledge on the topic of conversation I was unable to sit politely nodding on the sidelines. I sure didn't want to offend our family guests (as these were nice people).

Anyway, after about 20 minutes of this my head was totally gone. I was putting up a brave effort but couldn't have held out much longer. I was saved by the announcement of the opening of the presents ceremony and was summoned with everyone else to the Christmas tree. In moving to the the area I found the most isolated place to be present.

During this short respite I began to have a minor (non-pathological) panic about what I thought work had done to me. The thoughts of 'here we go again with the depression' were at the forefront of my mind. However, the normal commotion of the gift giving was unbearable and after several minutes I left discreetly and took a walk outside in the fresh air but eventually ended up in a bedroom to lie down.

During this time I just tried to clear my head and I also prayed a desperate prayer. I was pretty scared about where this was heading. Anyway, with this break from the group things did settle down for me and I was able to rejoin the end of the gift giving. I had missed my daughter receiving her presents which was really dissapointing and I also missed my own gifts which alerted people to my absence. Thankfully noone asked me what was up because I would have been a little embarassed.

Anyway, I coped after that and faded in and out of conversation as my head would allow. But I was patchy in my head and irratable inside the whole time and even now a little bit.

The good news is it wasn't the depression. At least I'm really confident it wasn't. Whilst I exhibited all the symptoms of my previous depression I think in the end it was due to some other illness. It became apparent on return home that I was not quite right. I had a headache and a very sore throat and when I took my temperature at home I had a fever. It is likely that I have caught something from my daughter as she had these exact symptoms twice over the last month when she came down with tonsilitis. It seems like the depression symptoms were a flase alarm - for my depression anway.

Finally, I never thought I would be happy the day I had tonsilitis. I never thought I could wish so much to have it either.

A week already

2004-12-21T21:42:00.000+11:00

Well things have been flying on the work front and I can hardly believe a week's gone by since I last posted something on here. I've spent the best part of 20 hours on managing and implementing a project for March/April next year - and have stood up to it well. I have also been able to look after my daughter for all the usual time except for one day AND stay a good companion for my wife - so the life balance has been maintained.

Hopefully I will have time very soon to update some of my reflections on my recent episode of depression. A good option would probably be the impact on marraige, companionship, and romance in depression.

I've got so many ideas but no longer as much time to write. Hang in there though - this blog/journal is weighed heavily on my heart and I want to continue updating at every opportunity.

To what can I liken the life of depression?

2004-12-15T09:54:00.000+11:00

Consider a merchant vessel on a journey at sea. This ship is by no means a supertanker but is a functional, profitable, sea-worthy vessel. As it happens its current voyage is its first fully laden voyage but this is a ship built well for its purpose. The seas are no more difficult than usual and, having left port some weeks ago, it is apparent that there are prosperous times ahead for this ship.

While out at sea the ship inexplicably begins to take on water. The bilge pumps are manned and keep pace for a while. The intake of water soon increases and outpaces the capacity of the bilge pumps to cope. A crisis looms in the ship. Cargo is thrown overboard. First the heaviest and least expensive objects are discarded and this ship's stability and bouyancy are maintained. But water continues to be taken and more precious cargo now must be discarded. Valuables of all kinds are thrown wastefully overboard to ensure the survival of the ship and its crew. Soon there is no cargo left to discard and the water continues to invade.

At this point the bilge pumps are working flat out. The ship is losing bouyancy and stability with the more water it takes. Soon the flood is overwhelming and the over-taxed bilge pumps begin to fail, one by one, until all break down and there is no outlet for the invading sea.

The ship is now entirely awash. Power fails, steering is dead, and the once proud ship is in danger of capsizing and sinking listlessly to the bottom of the sea. By some sroke of fortune the ship remains afloat but its deck is on the waterline. All stability in the vessel is gone and it bobs like a cork in the sea. And it continues to bob with decks all awash, in storm and in calm weather, in typhoon and in gale. The ship hangs on to the surface but there is no source of rescue for the ship and its crew within sight.

Quick update

2004-12-14T19:42:00.000+11:00

Currently I am teetering on the boarder of illness and well being. I am fairly active at the moment and I continue to push the limits of my energy. I can sustain a low level normal paced life with only having the side effect of exhaustion - which isn't bad comparitively with what I have been used to.

Things have ramped up with work. I completed 10 hours in the last week alone which is unheard of for me these days. I think last time I gave detail of work I had done nine hours in three weeks. It seems as though I am coming on in leaps and bounds. My tolerance for pushing the boundaries of my health has risen dramatically.

This current comeback has left me unusually busy and I am struggling to put the time I wish into my blog. I am prioritising my management business above my writing but I long to write and hope to keep a similar pace to what has been the norm these last couple of months.

General update - health and career

2004-12-11T11:12:00.000+11:00

I can say that I did bounce back as expected on Thursday and have not looked back. A few points of interest in my health and career are worth noting.

Health
Although I crashed on Monday afternoon/evening through to the end of Wednesday it was not the same crash in health that I had been accustomed to. I was certainly immobilised by the crash but I did not suffer healthwise in my mind as previously. It is hard to explain the distinction I am trying to make but perhaps I can best explain it by suggesting the crash was more like an immobilisation through tiredness/exhaustion. Previously when I crashed it also impacted my zest for life, my motivation, and my head would get more than just a little hazy - it would often include a level of agitation and I would be unable to think clearly or concentrate.

Hopefully all this is a sign that my health is improving. It's sure taken long enough to get to this point. I feel more in control of my health outcomes as I seem to be well enough that I can manage the amount of activity at a near normal level and just back off when I need to. I think the improvement in my health means I can operate my life on a sustainably productive level although still with some significant constraints on my activity. Time will tell but I am feeling more confident of this than at any other time throughout this second major episode.

Career
Things have taken a very interesting turn here. The contract work with my client has been consolidated with an additional role in a large project he is undertaking. This naturally means I need to be able to put in more time and energy to his business and whilst nervous about this I am confident that I may be able to manage this reasonably competently. I have been able to negotiate a downgraded priority on the contract work I was doing so I am sure I will be able to engage the project with the necessary time and energy putting time into the contract work where there are lulls in the project.

The great thing has been that we are both on the same page where my role is concerned. Our expectations for each other are also well grounded. We have agreed in principle to the type or role to play and to financial terms, and whilst we have both taken on a certain level of risk in this arrangement (he with my health, me financially) there is an excellent opportunity for this to prosper for both of us.

So I'll leave my update at that except to put in a little teaser about what reflections on my depression I will work on next. I have addressed boredom and humiliation fairly well and will leave those topics there for now. I have touched briefly on anger and frustration but would like to say a little more on these. I have barely addressed grief, despair or hate in the way I would like to. Also, I want to address the impact on, and role of, my spirituality throughout depression as well as my fleeting encounter with panic attack and psychosomatic (imaginary) pain. So hopefully I can become particualry inspired about one of these topics and provide an update on them soon.

Humiliation - the final insult

2004-12-09T13:14:00.000+11:00

I have to admit I have been a little reluctant to write this final installment of my humiliation trilogy because I still feel pretty embarrassed about it. Many things I write about in this blog I have already struggled with and resolved in my heart or mind and can relate with little personal discomfort. Not so this final section on humiliation. It's not that it is such a big deal, or that my soul is still broken up over it, it's simply one of those humiliating circumstances that I remain embarrassed about even on reflection. I think there is a certain dignity or pride in a person that when circumstances advance in a particular direction it is only natural to feel humiliated even on reflection. So, with some trepidation, here goes.

I often wonder what people think happens to depressed persons when they are in one of their lows. I still wonder sometimes myself what happens to others facing depression even though I have lived many of the awful experiences that becomes the lot of the clinically depressed. I can't speak for anybody but myself in this blog but depression's effect on my life is not totally unique. When in depths of a major depressive episode, or when having a serious relapse, I personally lose all interest in, and motivation towards, my life and can not get out of bed. In those moments when I'm not quite at my lowest I might get to the toilet toilet or the loungeroom. If I have competing instincts flare up, like thirst or hunger, and they become less bearable than the state of depression I am in I find I get a motivational kick and I am able to address these appetites with a quick trip to the kitchen or pantry. But almost immediately afterwards, when the thirst or hunger is appeased, I am thrown back in the state demotivation and am all the more exhausted by the recently taken journey. And getting out of the house, even to the letterbox, isn't a remote consideration at these times.

Thankfully for me these extreme depths of depression last only a few days at a time now but I can still remember when it would last for weeks on end. Even now I can languish somewhere near the bottom for weeks at a time (just as I did in September and October) but I only tend to rest in the lower depths for three or four days at most. These last few days were not quite at the depths I am talking about here but it was still quite low.

Humiliation in these depths is personal. It has little to do with the illness or the soul (although these have their small place in it). It has more to do with human dignity and hygeine. Being stuck in one room of the house for most of a day, or for an entire week, is awful. In my September-October relapse I made it out of the house three times in two weeks (at the beginning and the end of the depths I had sunk in). I showered only three times in that period and felt clammy and sweaty for almost the entire time. A big day for me in that time, one that I could almost feel proud of given the state I was in, was spending time in the loungeroom as well as the bedroom and perhaps fixing my lunch before the drive to eat grew so much it compelled me to act against my underlying feelings. But it didn't extend to leaving the house or jumping in the shower - that was just too much activity to contemplate.

Being so helpless in my health that I conduct my life based on the most pressing drive or instinct - like an animal - is degrading. As a human I am capable of much more and need much more to be satisfied with my life than the bestial qualities the predominate when I am in the depths. As part of the humiliation I face in my depression this is the final insult as I can not reason away the shame I face because of it. This humiliation goes to the core of being human and I cannot avoid its sting.

An excercise for you:

IMAGINE, lying helpless on your bed, waiting for thirst or hunger or the need to relieve yourself to outweigh the the need to lie uselessly on your bed. And the new drive comes, it builds, and you wait until you can bear it less than the drive to keep you where you lay and reluctantly you choose the path of least resistance and you make it to the bathroom, or the kitchen. Then what? You do what you have to and return to the bed glad the experience of activity is over. Now you can return to the nothing that you were unhappily (but satisfactorily) absorbed with before the drive to move you arose. And you lay there with your mind mostly blank (perhaps snoozing on and off which helps pass the time). And this continues for days on end, and then weeks.

Humiliation has been a key factor in my experience of depression. Whether it is the shame of the illness, the war on against soul, or the stripping of my human dignity, it is always there lurking in the darkness of depression.

Update - bouncing back tomorrow

2004-12-08T20:20:00.000+11:00

Today has gone pretty much like yesterday. I have spent most of it sleeping interspersed with reading and I am only starting to come good now (about 8pm).

I have not really dwelled on what is happening with me today but have attempted to just ride it out. This has been good becuase it becomes easy to fall into the type of ruminating that is destructuve to my soul (as I explained yesterday). So far so good but it's even more significant today because I am under a bit of pressure to complete some more work for my client by next week and it is tempting to get frustrated and impatient with how things are. But I have not yet succumbed (perhaps because I am still hopeful of getting through the work even if didn't happen yesterday or today when I had planned for it).

Despite the current drama I am still feeling not too bad. My body is broken and my mind isn't quite there but I feel like I am only a day away from being well. I thought today might be the day when I bounced back but it wasn't to be. When I am worse it is my mind that really suffers. It goes from fine, to hazy, to completely fogged over, then through increasing levels of agitation. At its worst the agitiation can take weeks to clear but recently I have been mostly in the fog with only small overtones of agitiation when it has been bad. Crashes or down times have been limited to a few days in a row at most. I think tomorrow I will be better but I'll be happier when it is not just speculation.

The precipice

2004-12-07T23:33:00.000+11:00

After all the anticipation of finally celebrating an anniversary it was done energetically and in style. Even the mornings went well and after a few early coffees you wouldn't have known anything was wrong with me at all. We had a great time relaxing and indulging ourselves and it was sad that it had to end. But I suppose reality is tough even when it does not reach the extremes I have become accustomed to recently.

Monday was a tougher assignment. I started to come down from the caffeinated high but was still able to make a morning party I was hosting for my daughter's birthday. After hosting the party, and having a full day of activity besides this, I started to run out of steam before dinner. It was becoming very difficult just to get the job done but I got there in the end - just.

Today was worse. I slept for most of the afternoon and only came back to life (after living in a wakeful haze) at about 9pm. Now I feel almost ready to go on with life but the day is over. I've slept most of it so am not tired. I feel like doing something, perhaps anything, but just can't be bothered with any notion that comes to mind (from reading, writing, watching a DVD, going for a walk, visiting the 24 hour department store, chatting with my wife). It all just seems a bit too hard. I know it's the depression because I am so familiar with it yet still some part of me asks that nagging question about laziness and lack of discipline.

Sometimes it is hard accepting I have depression and that the symptoms are not in my control. I often feel discouraged about the ongoing uncertainties and wasted days too. It's also hard to convince myself that it's not worth dwelling on even when I know it couldn't be helped. It is far too easy to be drawn towards that dark precipice in my mind and to fall over and then free fall into ruminating on things that kill my soul. It's such an alluring prospect to seek solace in self pity, self deprecation, and catastrophising about life. There is a definite sparkle at the edge of that precipice to every sordid object of my thoughts even though I know it's only fool's gold.

I am beginning to think that my mind is just like an adventurer. When it's idle it gets edgy and looks for excitment and activities to fulfill it. It wanders searchingly, looking for danger and conquest on its path, and finds comfort not simply in fulfilling its mental wanderlust by journeying through the darkest recesses but moreso when it confronts real dangers of the mind and soul. When it reaches that precipice in my mind where it knows there is a danger to my soul if I stand to near the edge and topple over - or dive off.

Unlike most things in my life at least the path of my mind is in my control. Whichever way I go I know I have chosen it. The path I choose determines whether I suffer from my illness alone or confront groanings of my soul that numb and sour all other contemplation in my life.

Anniversary of Hope

2004-12-03T15:29:00.000+11:00

Dark are the years of our recent life
With love tested to its ultimate.
We have learned to survive on the smallest spark;
But its floodlights we seek,
Or the Sun,
Or galaxies of Light
To warm us and show us through.

A first in three years

2004-12-03T14:49:00.000+11:00

This weekend will be mine and my wife's 11th wedding anniversay. It will be the first time in three years we will have properly celebrated the occasion. We actually had plans two years ago but we had a surprise special delivery with our daughter who arrived two months early and spoiled the plans. I did bring Indian take-away and a bottle of fine Australian red wine to the hospital for the occasion but it really didn't count as we were more concerned with the health of our premmie little girl who was placed in the NICU (Neonatal intensive Care Unit) at the time. My wife wasn't too flash anyway only having had an emergency caesarean section 24 hours earlier. Besides, who in their right mind would take a date to the hospital and expect to enjoy it - talk about romantic!

Last year we organised a celebration for our daughter's first birthday (because we didn't get a chance to celebrate her birth properly with all the premmie drama) and I was too sick to organise and celebrate our anniversary as well. This was a great event but I crashed pretty hard for the following six weeks. I think my wife was too exhausted to celebrate our anniversary anyway because she did much of the preparation in the final days.

This year we'll be doing both! So things have improved on last year. I am looking forward to a weekend away with just the two of us. I am absolutely thrilled with the propsect of this celebratory weekend as I am in the best health I have been in since this major episode of depression. It means my wife is pretty much guaranteed to have enjoyable company on our special occasion (at least for the afternoons and evenings because I am still a bit slow in the mornings) and not have to worry about, or be reminded of, the difficulties we have experienced with my depression - at least for a weekend.