A sleepless night
Of all the symptoms of depression that I face the one that disrupts my life most consistently at the moment is sleeplessness. I do suffer acute epsiodes of depression that severely impact my life - and let me stress 'severely impact my life' - mercifully, however, these are becoming less frequent. But for day in day out challenges that I face that just niggle away and never leave me in peace, sleeplessness is the most consistent. It is a serious battle to overcome it.
Tonight I didn't win. But for the first week in about four months I have spent more time in bed of a night than on the couch - so the battle is changing in my favour. Its not so much the sleeplessness that bothers me. Sleeplessness is a sign that all's not well but it is the compromises to lifestyle to accomodate my sleeplessness that impacts me the most.
If I don't sleep it means I can't go to bed with my wife because I keep her awake as long as I'm unsettled in the bed. This robs us of time together. Intimate time, not just sex, but quietly enjoying each other's company before drifting off for a refreshing nights sleep.
It means I'm prone to being grumpy and jet-lagged and I haven't even been overseas to compensate the inconvenience.
If I don't sleep at night it means I sleep in through to late morning or early afternoon. This not only perpetuates the problem by making it a habit but it also means that I miss the joy of waking with my family, and they miss me. So none of us get to have breakfast as a family.
This morning, however, was the first time in about a month that I was up just after breakfast and was able to watch TV with my daughter after breakfast (her favourite shows are miffy and bananas in pyjamas) and then read her stories and nursery rhymes. But I still wasn't able to have breakfast with them all.
Sleeplessness also means drinking de-caf lattes after midday! And whilst this may sound petty this represents those many adjustments to the quality of living that need to be made to accommodate depression and its symptoms. I could just as easily have said I can no longer read a stimulating book after 9pm, or attend a party after 11 - as these too will make me vulnerable to the snowballing syptom of insomnia.
I even took the larger half of my newly prescribed sleeping medicine to minimise the risk of insomnia tonight but it wasn't to be tonight.
I hate this depression and I hate its symptoms.
Tonight I didn't win. But for the first week in about four months I have spent more time in bed of a night than on the couch - so the battle is changing in my favour. Its not so much the sleeplessness that bothers me. Sleeplessness is a sign that all's not well but it is the compromises to lifestyle to accomodate my sleeplessness that impacts me the most.
If I don't sleep it means I can't go to bed with my wife because I keep her awake as long as I'm unsettled in the bed. This robs us of time together. Intimate time, not just sex, but quietly enjoying each other's company before drifting off for a refreshing nights sleep.
It means I'm prone to being grumpy and jet-lagged and I haven't even been overseas to compensate the inconvenience.
If I don't sleep at night it means I sleep in through to late morning or early afternoon. This not only perpetuates the problem by making it a habit but it also means that I miss the joy of waking with my family, and they miss me. So none of us get to have breakfast as a family.
This morning, however, was the first time in about a month that I was up just after breakfast and was able to watch TV with my daughter after breakfast (her favourite shows are miffy and bananas in pyjamas) and then read her stories and nursery rhymes. But I still wasn't able to have breakfast with them all.
Sleeplessness also means drinking de-caf lattes after midday! And whilst this may sound petty this represents those many adjustments to the quality of living that need to be made to accommodate depression and its symptoms. I could just as easily have said I can no longer read a stimulating book after 9pm, or attend a party after 11 - as these too will make me vulnerable to the snowballing syptom of insomnia.
I even took the larger half of my newly prescribed sleeping medicine to minimise the risk of insomnia tonight but it wasn't to be tonight.
I hate this depression and I hate its symptoms.
posted by Blackdog at 3:30 AM
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