Something normal
One of the things that drives me in my depression is to live life as near to normal as possible - normal for me that is. Obviously I have to moderate my expectations to be consistent with my health situation and this can often lead to frustration. However, living as normally as possible is something that is growing in importance to me and each dose of normality is virtually like a drug at the moment. My ultimate dream for living a normal life is to once again be able to enjoy a strong coffee at times other than breakfast. Perhaps a cafe-latte with friends sometime after midday, or a late afternoon (or after work) capuccino, or even better a strong esspresso with a chocolate soufle one evening! It may seem absurd or high brow or petty that all I want from life is to drink coffee but for me it is a simple pleasure in life I used to share regularly with family and friends, without a second thought, and beacuse of my depression I can do it no longer. To me coffee after midday represents all those sacrifices and adjustments I have made for the benefit of my health that restrict my life and stop me living as I once used to. To me it represents, in a tangible and simple way, the pinnacle of living normally again.
I often sit and dream of being normal again. For the days to return when I can work regularly with confidence. For the days that I can interact normally with my family, friends, and my community and not have to be worried when I commit to a social engagement that i might have to pull out due to health (its happened three times in the last week alone). For those days where I have the strength of life within me to hold a job, be fully engaged in the lives of my wife and daughter, and have energy left to do the things I enjoy with friends or on my own. Unfortunately it remains a dream for the moment.
I have a normal episode in my life coming up. I am going away for a weekend break with my family. Thankfully I organised most of it about 6 weeks ago - 2 weeks before my severe relapse. I put the finishing touches on it in the last 4-5 days. I can't wait to do what for me is the normal thing. When I say "normal" it is still a modified "normal" to meet the restrictions of my health but its as close as it gets at the moment and I can almost taste the normality. If I am doing really well with being normal I may even do most of the driving but time will tell. Until I return in few days cherish your normality - I know I will be.
I often sit and dream of being normal again. For the days to return when I can work regularly with confidence. For the days that I can interact normally with my family, friends, and my community and not have to be worried when I commit to a social engagement that i might have to pull out due to health (its happened three times in the last week alone). For those days where I have the strength of life within me to hold a job, be fully engaged in the lives of my wife and daughter, and have energy left to do the things I enjoy with friends or on my own. Unfortunately it remains a dream for the moment.
I have a normal episode in my life coming up. I am going away for a weekend break with my family. Thankfully I organised most of it about 6 weeks ago - 2 weeks before my severe relapse. I put the finishing touches on it in the last 4-5 days. I can't wait to do what for me is the normal thing. When I say "normal" it is still a modified "normal" to meet the restrictions of my health but its as close as it gets at the moment and I can almost taste the normality. If I am doing really well with being normal I may even do most of the driving but time will tell. Until I return in few days cherish your normality - I know I will be.
posted by Blackdog at 1:24 AM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home