Normalish
The long weekend away was great. It was filled with the normal experiences of a previously normal life. I drove the entire trip, made BBQ's each night (ie. used the grill), went walking, did 'stuff', read books, and was as close to normal as I have been for some time. I was even able to correct the insomnia that has plagued me for the last few months. The relaxed holiday pace sure helped normality endure for five days. On arrival back home the normality lingered for a few hours before being whittled away quite rapidly.
I had agreed to meet a mate shortly after arriving back and review some assignment work of his. At the same time my wife had arranged to head out for the evening and I had to supervise and feed our two year old. No big deal for the newly refreshed right? Well the brain started to freeze over with the tell tale depressive haze about half an hour into the dual tasks of essay and childcare. About an hour in and the brain was cooked (trust me - it does go from freezing to cooked like that).
Shortly after my mate left for home, the toddler was put to bed, and a few deep breaths were had, the mind recovered pretty quickly - but only back to that depressive haze. A few hours on and that's where I remain, in a bit of a haze. I am optimistic that when I wake in the morning I will be ok as long as I don't over do it.
The biggest let down in this cruel reality check was that I couldn't endure being normal in my normal environment. I just hate that my tolerance for normal activity is low if I am to remain feeling normal. Thankfully I am not feeling as frustrated with myself and my weaknesses as I normally would at this point which is a pleasant change. I suppose this has been warded off by the enduring afterglow of five days of near normality, where the only reminders I had of my illness before this evening's disappointments was the need to take my medication regularly and the secret knowledge (or self deception) that I had structured the break with my family to be normal in such a way as to be unobtrusively normalish.
I had agreed to meet a mate shortly after arriving back and review some assignment work of his. At the same time my wife had arranged to head out for the evening and I had to supervise and feed our two year old. No big deal for the newly refreshed right? Well the brain started to freeze over with the tell tale depressive haze about half an hour into the dual tasks of essay and childcare. About an hour in and the brain was cooked (trust me - it does go from freezing to cooked like that).
Shortly after my mate left for home, the toddler was put to bed, and a few deep breaths were had, the mind recovered pretty quickly - but only back to that depressive haze. A few hours on and that's where I remain, in a bit of a haze. I am optimistic that when I wake in the morning I will be ok as long as I don't over do it.
The biggest let down in this cruel reality check was that I couldn't endure being normal in my normal environment. I just hate that my tolerance for normal activity is low if I am to remain feeling normal. Thankfully I am not feeling as frustrated with myself and my weaknesses as I normally would at this point which is a pleasant change. I suppose this has been warded off by the enduring afterglow of five days of near normality, where the only reminders I had of my illness before this evening's disappointments was the need to take my medication regularly and the secret knowledge (or self deception) that I had structured the break with my family to be normal in such a way as to be unobtrusively normalish.
posted by Blackdog at 11:59 PM
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