A false alarm
Well its early christmas morning and this is take two (a temporary power failure wiped a couple of paragraphs but I should be able to recapture the jist of it). I am currently unable to sleep and am full of pills - sleepers, anti-depressants, paracetamol, nurofen, codeine (all legitmate and recommended doses). Anyway, not bad for someone who hates taking medicine but I had just been feeling so awful. I have just now gone from having chills to breaking out in a sweat and the sweat is literally just dripping off me.
Anyway, I had been looking forward all week to a christmas eve with the inlaws as the food is always amazing (and they're not too bad either). Through the whole week of work my sight had one eye on this festive prize and I arrived feeling a little drained. I had worked hard in my new role yesterday (and the preceeding weeks) and finished all the urgent and important tasks that were needing completion so I could enjoy the Christmas break - including the boxing day holiday test match (a major local sporting event).
For someone in my circumstances feeling a bit flat was only normal but about one hour into the evening I started to break down. My head was weak, I couldn't concentrate, I started to feel physically ill, and every minor thing seemed like a massive chore (even helping myself to a wonderful glass of Australian red wine which I didn't end up finishing).
I soon realised what was happening because the symptoms were so familiar. But before I could isolate myself I had ended up in the centre of a conversation with three other people that I just couldn't politely escape from. With a great Christmas atmosphere the discussion just took on a life of its own and I was fading fast. I could literally feel the life draining out me and as I had some special knowledge on the topic of conversation I was unable to sit politely nodding on the sidelines. I sure didn't want to offend our family guests (as these were nice people).
Anyway, after about 20 minutes of this my head was totally gone. I was putting up a brave effort but couldn't have held out much longer. I was saved by the announcement of the opening of the presents ceremony and was summoned with everyone else to the Christmas tree. In moving to the the area I found the most isolated place to be present.
During this short respite I began to have a minor (non-pathological) panic about what I thought work had done to me. The thoughts of 'here we go again with the depression' were at the forefront of my mind. However, the normal commotion of the gift giving was unbearable and after several minutes I left discreetly and took a walk outside in the fresh air but eventually ended up in a bedroom to lie down.
During this time I just tried to clear my head and I also prayed a desperate prayer. I was pretty scared about where this was heading. Anyway, with this break from the group things did settle down for me and I was able to rejoin the end of the gift giving. I had missed my daughter receiving her presents which was really dissapointing and I also missed my own gifts which alerted people to my absence. Thankfully noone asked me what was up because I would have been a little embarassed.
Anyway, I coped after that and faded in and out of conversation as my head would allow. But I was patchy in my head and irratable inside the whole time and even now a little bit.
The good news is it wasn't the depression. At least I'm really confident it wasn't. Whilst I exhibited all the symptoms of my previous depression I think in the end it was due to some other illness. It became apparent on return home that I was not quite right. I had a headache and a very sore throat and when I took my temperature at home I had a fever. It is likely that I have caught something from my daughter as she had these exact symptoms twice over the last month when she came down with tonsilitis. It seems like the depression symptoms were a flase alarm - for my depression anway.
Finally, I never thought I would be happy the day I had tonsilitis. I never thought I could wish so much to have it either.
Anyway, I had been looking forward all week to a christmas eve with the inlaws as the food is always amazing (and they're not too bad either). Through the whole week of work my sight had one eye on this festive prize and I arrived feeling a little drained. I had worked hard in my new role yesterday (and the preceeding weeks) and finished all the urgent and important tasks that were needing completion so I could enjoy the Christmas break - including the boxing day holiday test match (a major local sporting event).
For someone in my circumstances feeling a bit flat was only normal but about one hour into the evening I started to break down. My head was weak, I couldn't concentrate, I started to feel physically ill, and every minor thing seemed like a massive chore (even helping myself to a wonderful glass of Australian red wine which I didn't end up finishing).
I soon realised what was happening because the symptoms were so familiar. But before I could isolate myself I had ended up in the centre of a conversation with three other people that I just couldn't politely escape from. With a great Christmas atmosphere the discussion just took on a life of its own and I was fading fast. I could literally feel the life draining out me and as I had some special knowledge on the topic of conversation I was unable to sit politely nodding on the sidelines. I sure didn't want to offend our family guests (as these were nice people).
Anyway, after about 20 minutes of this my head was totally gone. I was putting up a brave effort but couldn't have held out much longer. I was saved by the announcement of the opening of the presents ceremony and was summoned with everyone else to the Christmas tree. In moving to the the area I found the most isolated place to be present.
During this short respite I began to have a minor (non-pathological) panic about what I thought work had done to me. The thoughts of 'here we go again with the depression' were at the forefront of my mind. However, the normal commotion of the gift giving was unbearable and after several minutes I left discreetly and took a walk outside in the fresh air but eventually ended up in a bedroom to lie down.
During this time I just tried to clear my head and I also prayed a desperate prayer. I was pretty scared about where this was heading. Anyway, with this break from the group things did settle down for me and I was able to rejoin the end of the gift giving. I had missed my daughter receiving her presents which was really dissapointing and I also missed my own gifts which alerted people to my absence. Thankfully noone asked me what was up because I would have been a little embarassed.
Anyway, I coped after that and faded in and out of conversation as my head would allow. But I was patchy in my head and irratable inside the whole time and even now a little bit.
The good news is it wasn't the depression. At least I'm really confident it wasn't. Whilst I exhibited all the symptoms of my previous depression I think in the end it was due to some other illness. It became apparent on return home that I was not quite right. I had a headache and a very sore throat and when I took my temperature at home I had a fever. It is likely that I have caught something from my daughter as she had these exact symptoms twice over the last month when she came down with tonsilitis. It seems like the depression symptoms were a flase alarm - for my depression anway.
Finally, I never thought I would be happy the day I had tonsilitis. I never thought I could wish so much to have it either.
posted by Blackdog at 1:36 AM
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