Thursday, February 10, 2005

Not Again!

It's interesting after all the experience I have had with depression in my life it could once again slip under my guard. I'm not even in the clear with my existing episode and I still couldn't detect a relapse in my health for a couple of weeks. I wasn't avoiding it or in denial I was just telling myself that I was a little bit run down, a little tired from a busy couple of weeks, when actually I was sliding ignorantly back into depression. The subtle differences of depression and run down normality (if any) remain unclear even when I'm vigilant.

Anyhow, I finally figured it out on Monday when all I wanted to do was sleep. Same for Tuesday and Wednesday (FYI - both night and day). I managed not to sleep throughout the day today so that's some kind of bonus - but now I can't sleep at night! Seems like its feast or famine with my sleep at the moment.

Sleep patterns have been a pretty reliable sign of how I am travelling with my depression. It usually starts with too much (up to 16+ hours a day) then suddenly switches to insomnia. And then the insomnia lingers night after night. It's probably been six months since I was able to sleep on time (before midnight) without medication but at least for most of the last few months my sleep was stable until now (the odd exception notwithstanding).

It's hard to know what to do differently. I am doing pretty much everything I can. I am frustrated daily about taking sleepers and wish I didn't have to but I have little choice if my lifestyle is to fit in with my family's and with the work I am doing.

Perhaps its time to try lithium treatment (I am currently on SSRI's) and see what that does for my depression? But my mood seems pretty stable compared to previous months so the efficacy of a change like that is uncertain and may even be unwarranted.

Whatever the outcome just know I am screaming on the inside - "aaarrrggh - not again!"


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