Thursday, June 02, 2005


Another few weeks have past since I last posted and I have only just got my health back on something approximating an even keel (I think). The signs are there that I am finally getting through this current set back but I don't know for sure. I get sick of asking "how long will it last?" and "why?" and am simply resigned to pressing forward as best I can one day at a time. I live in hope that my health will turn more permanently for the better but suffice to say I am continuing to live as best I can and am definitely not holding my breath for major improvement!

Most of the last few weeks I have been living on the borderline between somewhat normal function and serious depression. I have increased my medication by another 20% which I think has kept me from sliding hopelessly into another major episode. But as I have mentioned it is still a day at a time.

I have spent a lot of my time over the last few weeks sleeping - up to 16 hours/day. I have been feeling totally exhausted. The minimum of effort expended has resulted in an unusually high level of tiredeness. The increase in medication may have contributed something to my somnolosence but the improvement in the quality of my waking moments has been a more than worthwhile payoff. It is just as likely that the tiredeness is a result of my illness as the medication but even if this is not the case it's been worth having this side effect as my waking hours have been of a much higher quality compared to the weeks prior to increasing my dose. On balance I am less unhappy than happy.

With good management of my waking time and energy I have been able to achieve quite a bit while on the borderline. I have managed to fulfill my role at home with my wife and daughter and keep my chores mostly up to date. I have done some management work too (but have only managed half my target hours of 8-10/week). I also spent last weekend acting in and producing a short film. Pretty good really, perhaps even a minor miracle, considering the level of health I am actually possessed of at the moment.

Overall it's been a tough few weeks and perhaps the thing I have come to appreciate most is the impact my outlook can have on my quality of life. I am no where near 100% health but have managed to achieve quite a lot this last month. If I had this level of setback in my health previously I probably would not have achieved the results I have this last few weeks. Lowering my expectations on what I can be (compared to normal eg. sleepwise, energy, feelings of wellbeing etc) and making the most of what I do have (rather than worrying about what I am missing) seems to have been an important part of piecing together my depression puzzle when on the borderline.