Wednesday, July 05, 2006

The mystery of change

Although its late for me (ie. after midnight) the most rapid reversal yet to occur with my depression has taken place. Two days ago I couldn't sleep and couldn't get out to collect the mail. Last night I had the first decent night's sleep (in about a month) and earlier today I managed a project, negotiated a settlement of terms to a financial situation (on behalf of a friend travelling overseas), undertook some home duties, nursed a sick 3yr old daughter, and caught up with a good friend in the evening! Easy!

How things change. Whilst I have had hypo-manic reactions in the past (ie. manic symptoms) this was not it. It was a rapid return to normality.

I know in general my health is on the mend - my energy and mood is evening out. But I still suffer.

I don't care why anymore. I don't care how anymore. I'm not angry and bitter about the world or God or the universe anymore. I don't regret or grieve for my life anymore. I don't even care to reconcile the daily/weekly/monthly changes in my health anymore. I am simply living my life to the fullest that my health will let me - warts and all. No regrets.

Saturday, July 01, 2006

A Long Time

Well it's been a long time since I updated this site and a lot of water has travelled under the bridge.

Bottom line is that although I have had periods of pretty good health the bastard of a condition known as depression has walked beside me daily for the last 12+ months.

Much of my inactivity on this site has been the result of not having the energy to update it due to my involvement in part time management work - and since January this year the birth of my second child (which is a small miracle because depression usually kills my libido).

I am back on here again because life with depression is giving me serious grief. I have had worse attacks over the last 12 months but this has been the most prolonged and most frustrating (and my minimal energy reserves can be used to carry out the ongoing documentation of my battle with depression).

The basic update is I have had a patchy, but promising, 12 months. The most pressing drama has been in the last 3-4 weeks. What began as insomnia has escalated to somnolency (i recently slept 30 hrs out of 36) only to return again to serious insomnia. On its own it was ok but it has dragged in the disinterest of life, lethargy, melencholy, loss of libido and questions on the point of living - many of the keys of serious depression. One thing I have learned after a solid four months of relkatively good health is that depression for me is a never ending battle even when I think the end is near.

The upside of the current circumstances is that I no longer pair the failure of my health with the failure of myself and self hate. I find it a little more like a rollercoaster ride that has the occasional up turn but a shit load of down hill action. i no longer feel responsible for or guilty about my behaviour when I'm depressed in this way (as long as I can look in the mirror and know that the guy staring back at me is doing everthing they can to overcome it).

Having seen the light of recovery over the last three - four months (where I was performing home duties superbly well and beginning a serious home project to manage) the last few weeks of serious depression has been a bitter pill to swallow. Having tasted again the fleeting feat of normality I almost want to feel better at any cost - including 'extra prescription medications' if you get my meaning. Thankfully I have good friends who help me maintain strength against these futile and destructive desires.

In the end the loss of control over my life is no longer a surprise - but it doesn't make it easier. It's just bump in the road to be ridden over but I still get the shit shaken out of me when it happens.

As I write now I have moderately over medicated myself to numb the pain (purely doctor's prescription). This has been supplemented (on my own initiative by a few choice drinks of hard liquor. please note: THIS IS NOT A RECOMMENDATION OF HOW TO COPE AND I WOULD ADVISE NOONE TO FOLLOW THIS EXAMPLE. I only write it here as an honest representation of how I am coping and to elighten reader of just one of the responses I have to my immediate frustrations - and i presume what other people would feel in the same circumstances.

I expect there's more to come shortly in this site. i haven't forgotten some of the key topics I still want to address from previousa posts. They are are as alive and dear to me as they were when I flagged them. It's a matter of time and energy which many of you would know is at a premium in the midst of depression.