Tuesday, February 15, 2005

Another sleepless night

Managing my depression is becoming a frustration again. I feel very well except for the fact I can't sleep at night. My motivation and drive is good, my concentration and agitation of mind is worse than 'normal' but manageable, but my sleep is really suffering. I am going great with work but I can't see how I can sustain the level of quality without much sleep.

Hmm ... what to do ... I think I'm going to keep my meds up at 2 1/2 tabs daily and push myself a little harder than I have in the past. Previously when I've pushed I have crashed but I might take a bit of a chance on it with the additional medication constant. I can usually see or feel the depression coming (although last time I didn't). It's worth a try anyway.

Saturday, February 12, 2005


Well I finally figured out what was going on with my depression and why. It was all medication related.

Had been experimenting with doses of my SSRI after finding 2 tabs were not enough and 2.5 were too much (an extra .5 tab every 2nd day did the trick). After being well for a while I just forgot to take the extra half every other day and after 2-3 weeks of neglect it got me!

I have been much better today but am still getting my sleep back on track. Hopefully that will settle over the next two or three days.

Sometimes I do the stupidest things.

Thursday, February 10, 2005

Not Again!

It's interesting after all the experience I have had with depression in my life it could once again slip under my guard. I'm not even in the clear with my existing episode and I still couldn't detect a relapse in my health for a couple of weeks. I wasn't avoiding it or in denial I was just telling myself that I was a little bit run down, a little tired from a busy couple of weeks, when actually I was sliding ignorantly back into depression. The subtle differences of depression and run down normality (if any) remain unclear even when I'm vigilant.

Anyhow, I finally figured it out on Monday when all I wanted to do was sleep. Same for Tuesday and Wednesday (FYI - both night and day). I managed not to sleep throughout the day today so that's some kind of bonus - but now I can't sleep at night! Seems like its feast or famine with my sleep at the moment.

Sleep patterns have been a pretty reliable sign of how I am travelling with my depression. It usually starts with too much (up to 16+ hours a day) then suddenly switches to insomnia. And then the insomnia lingers night after night. It's probably been six months since I was able to sleep on time (before midnight) without medication but at least for most of the last few months my sleep was stable until now (the odd exception notwithstanding).

It's hard to know what to do differently. I am doing pretty much everything I can. I am frustrated daily about taking sleepers and wish I didn't have to but I have little choice if my lifestyle is to fit in with my family's and with the work I am doing.

Perhaps its time to try lithium treatment (I am currently on SSRI's) and see what that does for my depression? But my mood seems pretty stable compared to previous months so the efficacy of a change like that is uncertain and may even be unwarranted.

Whatever the outcome just know I am screaming on the inside - "aaarrrggh - not again!"