Work amidst depression
One of the normal aspects of life that has been most impacted by depression is my career. The career I had in an international firm as a manager of a reporting and workforce planning department could not be sustained - not even part time. My workplace attempted to accommodate me with reduced hours until I recovered but I was just too unfit even for that. They also offered to give me extended leave and a comparable job on return to health but to accept that offer would not, I believe, be in mine or my family's best interests (or even the company's). I would still be unable to hold a job with my former employer, even part time, and it has been 12 months since I left them and nearly two years since I came down with my life's second major depressive episode. So after a promising start to my career it soon ended with a bit of a whimper then a thud.
It's interesting, not to mention extremely painful, to learn how far one's identity is caught up in their work. I had been out of work before for short periods of time between jobs but I had never been in the position where it was impossible for me to hold down a job - ie. to acknowledge that I was unemployable! In many ways I was self made and therefore proud of my achievements. I returned to study mature age and fulfilled my dream of holding a job that I didn't dread going to each morning. Humble ambitions I know, but ultimately I wanted to have a challenging job and an enjoyable and well balanced life, and this I had achieved. Anyway, on finally recognising that I was unfit for work, and then resigning from my job, I went through an intense period of anger, resentment, pain, and grief over my own identity and worth in and to the world (ie. within my family and community). Those days were perhaps the darkest of my life. For several months, whilst experiencing a major depressive episode, I was constantly questioning everything that I once took for granted about myself and my life and was facing up to the possibility that my lot in life was being foreshadowed by this immediate experience (the second of its kind). It was a dreadful time. I was extremely miserable, severely agitated, and when I had capacity to feel emotional variety, I was angrier with myself, and the weakness of my body, than I had ever been angry toward anyone or anything in my entire life. It was scary, and I was just as frustrated as I was angry. A couple of times I actually sat in my room and began punching myself in the face stopping only when I reflected that to do that or nothing was equally useless and given I was predisposed to inaction through my depression and that I didn't naturally have any masochistic tendencies the way of inaction prevailed (I have since come to terms with this ordeal and will relate this at another time).
So it was a bold step that I took at the end of June this year to decide that I would start my own business as a personal manager for other small businesses/sole proprietors (I do have an industry of focus where this role makes a lot of sense and is well utilised but I am not confident to reveal that yet). My team of supporters had a mixed reaction, medically it was indavisable, but I figured I had recovered sufficiently to set up the business structure and plan for a beginning of oprations next year. I was still going through constant relapses in my health, which could take me out for a few weeks at a time, but I felt that I was able to concentrate enough to make use of my health downtime by working productively on my PC and online. And so I did.
When I was reasonably well I was able to structure my weeks so that I had a day and a half dedicated to work. My daughter was cared for by family through that time and I was free to spend what usally amounted to between six and eight hours on work each week. On the occasions I was too sick to work, which was about once in every two to three weeks, the rest I obtained from having family members looking after my daughter was keeping me bouyant in my Mr. Mum role for the rest of my week. When able, my work consisted of researching my new industry, networking, business planning, and educating myself through books on relevant topics. It was very low key but I was making strong progress despite some health setbacks.
Soon came some fun. A mutual contact introduced me to a prospective client. My work was now potentially no longer as flexible with my health as I needed it to be but I was determined to see if I could structure any potential work in such a way that it could be flexible. I started fostering my relationship with this potential client and about one month ago we signed a short term contract that will take us through to Christmas. Those of you who have been following this blog will know that this timeframe overlaps with my most recent, and quite serious, health relapse. However, having built a solid relationship with my client before hand, and by providing them with expectations commensurate with my health limitations, I was able to negotiate my health (and my contract responsibilities) in such a way as to be able to perform the necessasry business functions at the necessary times to meet my client's needs. As it turns out I have worked nine hours for my client in the last three to four weeks. And I anticipate another five to six hours will be completed in the next two days now my health is somewhat restored. My client is very happy with my approach to him so far and I was able to ride out a particualrly rough patch in my health through some forethought and planning. My client does not know that I have depression yet. However, before any more permanent or committed relationship has developed I intend to divulge this.
It may not sound like much of an achievement to have worked for nine hours in the last three to four weeks but for me it is a form of bliss, a great satisfaction, and an unlikely goal I have achieved in the midst of my depression. Since mid year I have set up my own business. I have formulated a business plan and model (to accomodate my health) and I have made a successful attempt to execute it so far notwithstanding the setbacks along the way. I have set a modest financial target for my business this year which the completion of my current contract will meet. To me I am totally amazed that a person in my health can manage a form of gainful employment - no matter how modest. I am beginning to think that the opportunities, although unconventional, are there for me to work even if I remain ill with depression for some time yet. One thing for sure is that if I don't have a go I will never know and I refuse to die wondering.
It's interesting, not to mention extremely painful, to learn how far one's identity is caught up in their work. I had been out of work before for short periods of time between jobs but I had never been in the position where it was impossible for me to hold down a job - ie. to acknowledge that I was unemployable! In many ways I was self made and therefore proud of my achievements. I returned to study mature age and fulfilled my dream of holding a job that I didn't dread going to each morning. Humble ambitions I know, but ultimately I wanted to have a challenging job and an enjoyable and well balanced life, and this I had achieved. Anyway, on finally recognising that I was unfit for work, and then resigning from my job, I went through an intense period of anger, resentment, pain, and grief over my own identity and worth in and to the world (ie. within my family and community). Those days were perhaps the darkest of my life. For several months, whilst experiencing a major depressive episode, I was constantly questioning everything that I once took for granted about myself and my life and was facing up to the possibility that my lot in life was being foreshadowed by this immediate experience (the second of its kind). It was a dreadful time. I was extremely miserable, severely agitated, and when I had capacity to feel emotional variety, I was angrier with myself, and the weakness of my body, than I had ever been angry toward anyone or anything in my entire life. It was scary, and I was just as frustrated as I was angry. A couple of times I actually sat in my room and began punching myself in the face stopping only when I reflected that to do that or nothing was equally useless and given I was predisposed to inaction through my depression and that I didn't naturally have any masochistic tendencies the way of inaction prevailed (I have since come to terms with this ordeal and will relate this at another time).
So it was a bold step that I took at the end of June this year to decide that I would start my own business as a personal manager for other small businesses/sole proprietors (I do have an industry of focus where this role makes a lot of sense and is well utilised but I am not confident to reveal that yet). My team of supporters had a mixed reaction, medically it was indavisable, but I figured I had recovered sufficiently to set up the business structure and plan for a beginning of oprations next year. I was still going through constant relapses in my health, which could take me out for a few weeks at a time, but I felt that I was able to concentrate enough to make use of my health downtime by working productively on my PC and online. And so I did.
When I was reasonably well I was able to structure my weeks so that I had a day and a half dedicated to work. My daughter was cared for by family through that time and I was free to spend what usally amounted to between six and eight hours on work each week. On the occasions I was too sick to work, which was about once in every two to three weeks, the rest I obtained from having family members looking after my daughter was keeping me bouyant in my Mr. Mum role for the rest of my week. When able, my work consisted of researching my new industry, networking, business planning, and educating myself through books on relevant topics. It was very low key but I was making strong progress despite some health setbacks.
Soon came some fun. A mutual contact introduced me to a prospective client. My work was now potentially no longer as flexible with my health as I needed it to be but I was determined to see if I could structure any potential work in such a way that it could be flexible. I started fostering my relationship with this potential client and about one month ago we signed a short term contract that will take us through to Christmas. Those of you who have been following this blog will know that this timeframe overlaps with my most recent, and quite serious, health relapse. However, having built a solid relationship with my client before hand, and by providing them with expectations commensurate with my health limitations, I was able to negotiate my health (and my contract responsibilities) in such a way as to be able to perform the necessasry business functions at the necessary times to meet my client's needs. As it turns out I have worked nine hours for my client in the last three to four weeks. And I anticipate another five to six hours will be completed in the next two days now my health is somewhat restored. My client is very happy with my approach to him so far and I was able to ride out a particualrly rough patch in my health through some forethought and planning. My client does not know that I have depression yet. However, before any more permanent or committed relationship has developed I intend to divulge this.
It may not sound like much of an achievement to have worked for nine hours in the last three to four weeks but for me it is a form of bliss, a great satisfaction, and an unlikely goal I have achieved in the midst of my depression. Since mid year I have set up my own business. I have formulated a business plan and model (to accomodate my health) and I have made a successful attempt to execute it so far notwithstanding the setbacks along the way. I have set a modest financial target for my business this year which the completion of my current contract will meet. To me I am totally amazed that a person in my health can manage a form of gainful employment - no matter how modest. I am beginning to think that the opportunities, although unconventional, are there for me to work even if I remain ill with depression for some time yet. One thing for sure is that if I don't have a go I will never know and I refuse to die wondering.
posted by Blackdog at 8:14 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home