Boredom
At the moment the days roll on as previously described. Rested on Sunday. Looked after my daughter and house hold chores on Monday. Took daughter to a birthday party and went out in the late afternoon and evening on Tuesday. Crashed today (Wednesday). I got out of bed at 2.45pm and have taken it easy having only had brunch and watched a video until now.
One of the consequences of this current 'lifestyle', apart from frustration and despondance, is boredom. I am getting better in my mind but there is a lag in my recovery to be able to endure normal activity. So I sit around perfectly conscious in mind, although occasionally a little bit hazy (I write here when it is worse), with a restriction on any activity if I wish to be in control of my active times and moments. I am now experienced enough to sense when I have reached my limit of activity and respond accordingly to this with inactivity. Naturally, this time in my life is fertile ground for boredom.
An otherwise fit body and acute mind being forced to lay inactively is not healthy or welcome and is virtually impossible for me to counteract. I read as often as I can and regularly walk 3-4 times a week for up to an hour at a time. This fills some of my time in a reasonably positive, and potentially helpful, way but this meagre response to inactivity is hardly a panacea for the boredom that is born of my current conditions. So enforced idleness and boredom remains.
It appears that all the ways to remedy my boredom are blocked as they are all necessarily bound closely to productive activity - of which I am hopelessly incapable of sustaining. To increase my activity and ignore my limitations is to act recklessly against my health and family for my short term gratification. So I suffer the boredom and hope that my health recovers sufficiently for me to sweep the idleness away with increased activity. And there have been times, as at the end of August and early September, where I was able to sustain a lifestyle of constant moderate activity and little boredom. But since my mid-September crash I have been unable to regain that level of activity which then busied me sufficiently to ward off that spectre of boredom which haunts me again.
Ongoing boredom is a battle of patience and endurance. It is a battle to ward off those dark thoughts of the soul that still occasionally get the better of me (such as I relayed in my pre-suicidal musings a couple of weeks back). With time on the side of an idle and wandering mind it is easy for it to drift into awful reflections of what your life has become and then with great personal condemnation survey the carnage of your life and loved ones and leap to seemingly obvious self deprecating conclusions. It is both memerising and disheartening to pay it attention yet it so plainly shapes the fabric of each day and week that it is unavoidable to consider your life in anything but this way when idleness is present in such generous measure.
One of the consequences of this current 'lifestyle', apart from frustration and despondance, is boredom. I am getting better in my mind but there is a lag in my recovery to be able to endure normal activity. So I sit around perfectly conscious in mind, although occasionally a little bit hazy (I write here when it is worse), with a restriction on any activity if I wish to be in control of my active times and moments. I am now experienced enough to sense when I have reached my limit of activity and respond accordingly to this with inactivity. Naturally, this time in my life is fertile ground for boredom.
An otherwise fit body and acute mind being forced to lay inactively is not healthy or welcome and is virtually impossible for me to counteract. I read as often as I can and regularly walk 3-4 times a week for up to an hour at a time. This fills some of my time in a reasonably positive, and potentially helpful, way but this meagre response to inactivity is hardly a panacea for the boredom that is born of my current conditions. So enforced idleness and boredom remains.
It appears that all the ways to remedy my boredom are blocked as they are all necessarily bound closely to productive activity - of which I am hopelessly incapable of sustaining. To increase my activity and ignore my limitations is to act recklessly against my health and family for my short term gratification. So I suffer the boredom and hope that my health recovers sufficiently for me to sweep the idleness away with increased activity. And there have been times, as at the end of August and early September, where I was able to sustain a lifestyle of constant moderate activity and little boredom. But since my mid-September crash I have been unable to regain that level of activity which then busied me sufficiently to ward off that spectre of boredom which haunts me again.
Ongoing boredom is a battle of patience and endurance. It is a battle to ward off those dark thoughts of the soul that still occasionally get the better of me (such as I relayed in my pre-suicidal musings a couple of weeks back). With time on the side of an idle and wandering mind it is easy for it to drift into awful reflections of what your life has become and then with great personal condemnation survey the carnage of your life and loved ones and leap to seemingly obvious self deprecating conclusions. It is both memerising and disheartening to pay it attention yet it so plainly shapes the fabric of each day and week that it is unavoidable to consider your life in anything but this way when idleness is present in such generous measure.
posted by Blackdog at 6:11 PM
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