Out on the town
Typically I am not the sort of person to spend much time in bars and clubs but there was a period in the middle of my five years of depression where if you wanted to find me of an evening, or early morning, the best chance of doing so was at the local bar or club. Traditionally, I did socialise a little at uni, after work, or with friends occasionally but I had a strong family life and was involved in local community and church groups (note: I had ceased to participate in these on becoming depressed). For a few years I did not even drink alcohol as I took a leadership position in my local church and they preffered their leaders not to drink. So I was busy with uni, and some community group involvement as well as my local church, and was very satisfied with my life and I didn't miss the odd wine or beer or nip of scotch as much as I expected.
I am not really sure how my involvement in bar hopping and bionge drinking all started but the following were the prevailing circumstances at that time of my transformation. It was about two years into my first major depressive episode and I had recently come off medication. To counteract any possible negative impacts from going off my medication, and to reverse the impact of gaining about 20kg's (44lbs) while depressed, I decided to supplement my health regime with team sport and joined the local football club. Also by this timeI had changed roles from my job in customer service to a planning and reporting role in the department I was soon to manage. I was well on the way back - or so I thought.
In many ways it was such a relief just to begin living a normal life again. I had always held a part time job and been involved in sport or local clubs as a youth so it was my way of life to be active and involved so closely with people in this way. However, with the resumption of normal life and new social networks, I was primed to spend a lot more time than usual with work colleagues and sporting buddies. Before I knew it I was involved in nearly all the social gatherings at the pubs and clubs that I heard about. I had been so starved of companionship during my first bout of illness that when the opportunities to socialise came along I was always there. At first I was there till 8pm, then 9pm then midnight and eventually it was my regular habit to get home in the early hours of the morning. In many ways I was like a social ship that had gethered up its steam and was not able to stop. I was propelled along as much by my interest to socialise with others as the momentum of being active again. It was partly an addiction to people and activity, partly a reckless streak no longer encumbered with inhibitions I held prior to my illnes, partly a longing to maximise the social aspect of life I had missed while ill, partly a compulsion just to do stuff, and partly a rebound in my brains activity that I was unable to properly manage. It all added up to a new personality of partying hard and long.
This transformation in my character shocked my wife as much as the initial depression. The hope she had on my journey to recovery was soon lost and she was anxious about my recklessness instead of my health. As many as four nights a week I was arriving home in the early hours of the morning without so much as a phonecall. This could not be sustained in a successful marraige and I was eventually brought to my senses about the destructiveness of my behaviour to the marraige after talking to my wife about its impacts (this was quite a dramatic process despite not being conveyed in those terms). I began to seek for and recognise the signs of my recklessness. I placed boundaries on my behaviour and the circumstances I would put myself in. And I eventually scaled down this recklessness in my life and became a worthy man and husband again.
In many ways I want to blame my illness for this episode of my recovery too. If I had never had depression it is highly doubtfuly that my life would have taken this turn. Furthermore I think I legitmately could blame my illness for this turn of events by invoking concepts such as Hypomanic Episodes and using excuses such as alcohol. Whilst I did lack experience in handling my recovery in a completely productive way, and some of these excuses are feasible, the recklessness of my behaviour was not out of my control in the same way as my depression was. To this day, even in my current recovery, I have urges and drives to get carried away recklessly with life just like after my first major depressive episode. But now I am able to monitor my emotions and respond in a positive way.
It is a relief now to be able to resume socialising with friends and former colleagues with my wife's confidence - when my health allows of course. Much has changed in me since that time and I now have the experience to manage the urges and inclinations that would again have me spin recklessly out of control.
And I went to a local bar tonight. It was a trivia night and dinner with former work colleagues. In some ways it was still all about the beer as we went to a bar renound for its own freshly brewed house beer. But I could go there with confidence, at my wife's urging too, and enjoy the time with mates knowing that I was no longer playing with fire but enjoying a normal aspect of life that was once such a danger to me and my family.
I am not really sure how my involvement in bar hopping and bionge drinking all started but the following were the prevailing circumstances at that time of my transformation. It was about two years into my first major depressive episode and I had recently come off medication. To counteract any possible negative impacts from going off my medication, and to reverse the impact of gaining about 20kg's (44lbs) while depressed, I decided to supplement my health regime with team sport and joined the local football club. Also by this timeI had changed roles from my job in customer service to a planning and reporting role in the department I was soon to manage. I was well on the way back - or so I thought.
In many ways it was such a relief just to begin living a normal life again. I had always held a part time job and been involved in sport or local clubs as a youth so it was my way of life to be active and involved so closely with people in this way. However, with the resumption of normal life and new social networks, I was primed to spend a lot more time than usual with work colleagues and sporting buddies. Before I knew it I was involved in nearly all the social gatherings at the pubs and clubs that I heard about. I had been so starved of companionship during my first bout of illness that when the opportunities to socialise came along I was always there. At first I was there till 8pm, then 9pm then midnight and eventually it was my regular habit to get home in the early hours of the morning. In many ways I was like a social ship that had gethered up its steam and was not able to stop. I was propelled along as much by my interest to socialise with others as the momentum of being active again. It was partly an addiction to people and activity, partly a reckless streak no longer encumbered with inhibitions I held prior to my illnes, partly a longing to maximise the social aspect of life I had missed while ill, partly a compulsion just to do stuff, and partly a rebound in my brains activity that I was unable to properly manage. It all added up to a new personality of partying hard and long.
This transformation in my character shocked my wife as much as the initial depression. The hope she had on my journey to recovery was soon lost and she was anxious about my recklessness instead of my health. As many as four nights a week I was arriving home in the early hours of the morning without so much as a phonecall. This could not be sustained in a successful marraige and I was eventually brought to my senses about the destructiveness of my behaviour to the marraige after talking to my wife about its impacts (this was quite a dramatic process despite not being conveyed in those terms). I began to seek for and recognise the signs of my recklessness. I placed boundaries on my behaviour and the circumstances I would put myself in. And I eventually scaled down this recklessness in my life and became a worthy man and husband again.
In many ways I want to blame my illness for this episode of my recovery too. If I had never had depression it is highly doubtfuly that my life would have taken this turn. Furthermore I think I legitmately could blame my illness for this turn of events by invoking concepts such as Hypomanic Episodes and using excuses such as alcohol. Whilst I did lack experience in handling my recovery in a completely productive way, and some of these excuses are feasible, the recklessness of my behaviour was not out of my control in the same way as my depression was. To this day, even in my current recovery, I have urges and drives to get carried away recklessly with life just like after my first major depressive episode. But now I am able to monitor my emotions and respond in a positive way.
It is a relief now to be able to resume socialising with friends and former colleagues with my wife's confidence - when my health allows of course. Much has changed in me since that time and I now have the experience to manage the urges and inclinations that would again have me spin recklessly out of control.
And I went to a local bar tonight. It was a trivia night and dinner with former work colleagues. In some ways it was still all about the beer as we went to a bar renound for its own freshly brewed house beer. But I could go there with confidence, at my wife's urging too, and enjoy the time with mates knowing that I was no longer playing with fire but enjoying a normal aspect of life that was once such a danger to me and my family.
posted by Blackdog at 10:34 PM
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