General update - depression as a cruel taskmaster
"To inflict a suspension of action on a being conscious of posessing the powers of action, and burning for their employment ... to do this, is to invent a torture that might make Phalaris blush for his impotence of cruelty." Charles Robert Maturin
It has been a little while since I have bothered to update this blog so I might just give a brief survey of how things are.
I am recovering steadily but patchily. Wednesday from midday was fairly good. I went out for trivia in the evening and had a good night.
Thursday I was finally able to look after my daughter again for a whole day but suffered in my health as a result of the effort. I was unable to complete the work I anticipated doing for my client and now have to carry over about 3-4 hours for next week. This was perhaps the most disappointing aspect of the day. I was unable to assist my wife on her return home from work by having done some of the chores and I was unable to cook the dinner. Insomnia returned and I didn't get to sleep until about 4pm.
I bounced back on Friday after sleeping in late (~11.30am). My sister dropped by with her two daughters and we had coffee. I went out for lunch and met my pastoral counsellor. This was a great time and very encouraging. It was also my wife's day off from work so I spent some of the afternoon with her working in the garden. I was also well enough to cook dinner for the family that night.
Saturday was a challenge. I had to help my brother in law shift house. I arrived a little late after sleeping in but was still able to do quite a bit to get the shifting done (including organising an impromptu cricket match when things got a little slow). But when I arrived home early in the afternoon I was starting to feel a little burnt out from the last day and a half's activity. I slowly drifted downhill to a mini crash and was unable to accompany the family when they went out to church at 6pm. I lay in bed for about four hours half snoozing, half reading, and recovered my enrgy enough to make a late dinner after 9pm. Sleep was getting back to near normal.
And so it goes with my life today. I am reluctantly taking a semi-enforced rest. I actually feel well enough to do things but I don't think I would cope with doing them. What I mean is that I am caught in a vicious circle because of my health. As soon as I feel well I want to be active. As soon as I get active (which is hardly very active at all) I crash. I do virtually nothing and begin to feel ok again. So I get active again and crash, and so on, hoping always to be spiralling upwards and out of this vicious depressive circle.
This is the pattern of my life at the moment. The medication I am on underpins me to a certain extent but I still have to carefully manage my level of activity. Some days my health is a little more amenable to activity than others and I need to adjust accordingly. But this is not always possible given certain commitments to my family and to my work. So I plan for both activity and recovery - its a science and burden in itself. Ultimately depression is a cruel taskmaster as much as it is a cruel affliction.
It has been a little while since I have bothered to update this blog so I might just give a brief survey of how things are.
I am recovering steadily but patchily. Wednesday from midday was fairly good. I went out for trivia in the evening and had a good night.
Thursday I was finally able to look after my daughter again for a whole day but suffered in my health as a result of the effort. I was unable to complete the work I anticipated doing for my client and now have to carry over about 3-4 hours for next week. This was perhaps the most disappointing aspect of the day. I was unable to assist my wife on her return home from work by having done some of the chores and I was unable to cook the dinner. Insomnia returned and I didn't get to sleep until about 4pm.
I bounced back on Friday after sleeping in late (~11.30am). My sister dropped by with her two daughters and we had coffee. I went out for lunch and met my pastoral counsellor. This was a great time and very encouraging. It was also my wife's day off from work so I spent some of the afternoon with her working in the garden. I was also well enough to cook dinner for the family that night.
Saturday was a challenge. I had to help my brother in law shift house. I arrived a little late after sleeping in but was still able to do quite a bit to get the shifting done (including organising an impromptu cricket match when things got a little slow). But when I arrived home early in the afternoon I was starting to feel a little burnt out from the last day and a half's activity. I slowly drifted downhill to a mini crash and was unable to accompany the family when they went out to church at 6pm. I lay in bed for about four hours half snoozing, half reading, and recovered my enrgy enough to make a late dinner after 9pm. Sleep was getting back to near normal.
And so it goes with my life today. I am reluctantly taking a semi-enforced rest. I actually feel well enough to do things but I don't think I would cope with doing them. What I mean is that I am caught in a vicious circle because of my health. As soon as I feel well I want to be active. As soon as I get active (which is hardly very active at all) I crash. I do virtually nothing and begin to feel ok again. So I get active again and crash, and so on, hoping always to be spiralling upwards and out of this vicious depressive circle.
This is the pattern of my life at the moment. The medication I am on underpins me to a certain extent but I still have to carefully manage my level of activity. Some days my health is a little more amenable to activity than others and I need to adjust accordingly. But this is not always possible given certain commitments to my family and to my work. So I plan for both activity and recovery - its a science and burden in itself. Ultimately depression is a cruel taskmaster as much as it is a cruel affliction.
posted by Blackdog at 5:36 PM
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