Tuesday, May 10, 2005

Finally an update - trouble and support

I can't believe it's been three months since I updated this blog. I was flat out with work for the first six-eight weeks and then I was out of action more or less for the last four.

One thing I am still very keen to do is update this blog with more recounting of my experiences - if only for myself to read and be mindful of. Even now I am still deceived when I feel a little bit tired when actually I am suffering the effects of a depressive episode. I feel so stupid sometimes promising that I will be able to do something after a rest only to find no amount of rest cures what I am facing. The frustration is that it is still important for me to pick the right moments to push things. If I go too hard too soon I end up getting worse symptoms and becoming less reliable. But I have to say once I figured out that I was in a down cycle of my depression I was much better at managing the symptoms and recovery.

The thing that has frustrated me most over the last few months, especially with the last down turn in my depression, is the impact its having on my wife. It's heart breaking to see her struggling with the helplessness of having a depressed partner when she rightly gets frustrated and tired of facing these circumstances. It became quite a serious issue in our marraige recently and we've had to work hard at talking things through and keeping our feelings and love for each other strong.

I thank God that I have such an amazing wife who is sticking things out 'in sickness and in health'. It would be such a relief and so very easy to walk away.

This is probably an opportune time to remember the poem I wrote for my wife on our last wedding anniversary:

Anniversary of Hope
Dark are the years of our recent life
With love tested to its ultimate.
We have learned to survive on the smallest spark;
But its floodlights we seek,
Or the Sun,
Or galaxies of Light
To warm us and show us through.

It would probably do me good to remember the hope that I actually have in my relationship with my wife because I have been battling to see my personal worth within my family. The pressure of these times has had me wondering whether or not my family would be better off without me. And I soon after moved to questioning the point of living. It got particularly difficult a couple of weeks ago where I had to ring a couple of my supportive mates late into the night to set me straight. It's hard for me to admit to people that I am not coping but it's sometimes harder to realise that I am a needed member of the family - especially when so much of my engagement in the family is a drain. It's kind of weird to want at the same time to be with your family and give them your all yet at the same time want to spare them from the heartache you bring and remove yourself from their lives.


Blogger Katz Nip said...

hello, I found you via a post on my blog from Broken.
Im also in Melb. I can really relate to this post - the effect on loved ones. The extra pressure this can create but at the same time providing the strength & hope to carry on.

11:21 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I came upon this post and found people i do not know expressing what i feel inside my black mind of pure dispair. I know it sounds weird but it makes me feel that i am not alone in my depressive thoughts and feelings of total angony. I am alone with my thoughts and am overwelmed with such heartace. My cycles of depression are more intense and scarey each episode. Sometimes feel I am looking at someone else. Who is this person,its not real. But it is. Is there just a glimmer of hope somewhere in this universe.I want help and don't know how to ask for it. thankyou for sharing your thoughts

1:36 PM  

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